I have rewritten this post over and over in so many different ways, and I still can't convey how sad and excited I am about this coming year. I'm supposed to be organizing myself, cleaning out my room so that it is ready for my parents to pack up should the need arise to do so, but I look at this place that I painted with my own two hands, that I scrubbed clean after Jonas moved out, and I can't bring myself to leave it sterile and empty as a hospital room. There are too many memories to wipe clean from this room, both good and bad, and I can't do it. I can't leave without keeping a piece of myself here. I have joked in the past about leaving my room messy just to give mum and dad something to do and to remember me by, but now I know that I really mean it.
My flight takes off in a few days, and I have to say goodbye today; goodbye to myself, to my friends and to my home, and I really don't want to. I wish they could all come with me in my two, relatively small suitcases, and live through all these new adventures with me. How I would fit all the people important to me in a few measly bags is beyond me, but I wish and hope that there was a way to make it work. I have my clothing, books and miscellaneous items organized according to what they are, but amongst all the clothes and souvenirs that will soon live in another world, there is nothing that conveys just how important these menial items mean to me. It's as if I'm trying to pick my favorite child to send to university out of a million offspring: Impossible.
Trying to decide which books to take with me has been a nightmare too. I think I have around a hundred or more books, and I know that I could never part with a single one of them. Eventually, I decided to bring "Still Life With Crows" "1984" and "The Portrait of Dorian Gray" but even then, many had to be put away to single out those precious three.
How am I going to make this work?
"Oh God, I could be bounded in a nut-shell, and/ count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that/ I have bad dreams."
-Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2, Line 247-249